Monday, July 6, 2009

awwwww =]

now how could you not smile when you see that?
so, even though im extremely upset about this whole situation, sometimes my mom knows just how to cheer me up. she knows how pissed im am at her, considering ill be totally lonely for the first few months.

ill be away from my hometown
ill be away from my dearest friends
ill be away from the high school i want to go
and on top of that, she banned me from having any connections with the man i love

this is just wonderful...

however, shes getting me a puppy chihuahua to keep me company

i cant excited

i guess theres hope in every bad situation


Sunday, July 5, 2009

i dont understand

wow, how lonely do i have to be in order to vent to a computer.
well, im lacking the company of close friends, so im resorting to this..
so im only 16 years old, and ive been subjected to far too many things that a 16 year old should. ive been beaten and abused, mistreated and all of the above, and all i want is to be appreciated.
ive been a giant carpet that people jut love to walk all over, and im wondering when i will get the balls to stand up for myself.
nothing is going right, right now.. nothing.
[he] is treating me like a piece of shit.
[he] claims to love me, but doesnt five a fuck about me
[he] should learn how to treat a woman with respect, because he fucked everything up.
[he] has let me down more than anyone ive ever known in my life.

but..[he] is someone i cant let go of, no matter how hard i try.
i sit outside waiting for 6 hours on a porch pouside hoping he will come like he promised, only to be let down.
i sit at the dining room table with a hot home cooked meal waiting for him when he gets home from work, only to be told its not good enough, and be let down.
i trust him, only to be let down.
i stick with him for whatever he needs, only to be let down.
i forgive him, only to be taken advantage of, and to be let down.
i try my best, only to be yelled at, and be let down.

i love him...only to be let down.

why should a 16 year old question her purpose on this earth?
shouldnt i be having fun?
what did i ever to to anyone on this earth to deserve this?

i went to the hospital a month ago to figure out why im having trouble breathing and wy i was choking for air every 15 minutes.
after taking an xray the doctor told me my throught is closing up on me, and if they cant figure out whats causing it, it will continue shutting, and i will die.


i try to do my best in school as a straight A student, and my mother rips me away by moving and making me switch schools. i promised myself i would stay at one high school in my lifetime. for me, it would be impossible to keep my grades up while getting used to a whole different style of teaching. ive made few close friends who i cherish more than anything, only to let them down by moving away. am i the let down?

i dont want to get used to different things. i hate change unless its for the better. im goin to be tourtured in that school. i have piercing all over my face, and pink in my hair. what business do i have goin to one of the nicest high schools in california? no one will approach me because they will be scared of me

i have no one. at all.. more so than usual. and when i leave, ill be even more lonely.

i hate making my future step dad uncomfortable by not saying much. i make him feel like i dont like him.. thats not the case at all..
its just moving is something im not used to, and i dont want to get used to it, and i have no one to talk to about it. i keep quiet. i always do.

my father doesnt know how to raise a child, so my chances of staying with him are non existent

theres too much happening, and i feel pathetic.. my eyes are swollen from tears, and all i wanted to do was enjoy my summer vacation

to live a normal life is too much to ask these days, especially if youre well deserving.